Appreciating mistakes: one of the keys to inclusive work culture
- Luka Özyürek
- Jun 3
- 6 min read
Do you know this situation? You're making small talk and suddenly the person you're talking to is upset, because what you thought was a friendly comment came across as rude and discriminatory. What follows is usually shame, insecurity, and often defensiveness. Why is this person so angry, don’t they understand that you meant no harm? If it happens more often or you see it happening to other colleagues, it may even feel as if there’s no way to get it right, or as if you have to second-guess every word. We see this in our workshops, too. Participants ask again and again: I don't want to do anything wrong, but how do I know what's okay and what's not? A good and important question - but perhaps the wrong one.
Nobody's perfect - it’s about how you deal with criticism
Because what people find upsetting, offensive or discriminatory is just as diverse as humanity itself. Of course, there are a number of things that everyone should have understood by now - that sexualised remarks have no place at work, for example, or that the “N-word” is racist. But beyond that, it can be hard to generalize, and let’s be honest, it's not realistic to expect everyone to be aware of every possible nuance of every word at all times. That's why I would argue that we should focus less on trying to get everything right and instead learn how to deal with it constructively when we get something wrong.
Why it is difficult to accept criticism
This is not always easy. Nobody likes making mistakes or unintentionally hurting other people - if it does happen, we feel ashamed, perhaps doubt ourselves, and want to justify our actions. When it comes to anti-discrimination, it can also be difficult to understand criticism. Discrimination - and especially microaggressions - can seem trivial to people who are not affected themselves. “Don't be like that, it was just a joke/compliment” is often the reaction. Or: “I guess I’m not allowed to say anything anymore.” If you see yourself as a friendly, respectful, smart person, it triggers cognitive dissonance to feel like you’re being perceived as unfriendly, disrespectful or ignorant. In other words, your self-image and world view is attacked - and this hits so hard that you prefer to shut down and fend off the criticism instead of accepting this dent in your self-image. This reflex needs to be stopped.
I have discriminated - now what?
So what can you do if you’ve been told that you upset or discriminated against someone?
You are not (only) your actions. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that it is not you as a person who is being criticized, but something you did (with the best of intentions). This alone is sometimes enough to alleviate the cognitive dissonance, because framed this way, the criticism doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you - it just means that you didn't know something. And that's totally human.
Criticism as an opportunity. Realising that you didn’t know something turns criticism from an attack into an offer: you have the opportunity to reflect and learn something new! And that is always valuable.
Avoid defensiveness. Even if you don’t understand the criticism (yet): Avoid the reflex to justify yourself. It's more constructive to apologize briefly, thank them for their advice and try to understand the problem. You can also ask questions if you are not sure what you did wrong.
Do your research. Remember that many marginalized people have to explain themselves all the time, at the expense of their own emotional energy. It can feel unfair to have to do this work for someone that just hurt them, however unintentionally. That's why it can be a good idea to do your own research first. For example, search the internet for “Why is (the term you used) sexist?” If that doesn't help, ask the person that criticised you, but make it clear that you already tried to figure it out yourself. This way you show that you’re serious about understanding.
Avoid the “tone argument”. That means: Even if criticism is presented in a way that you find inappropriately aggressive or unfriendly, it can still be valid. Of course, you are allowed to (and should) remove yourself from situations where you are personally attacked, but you should still engage with the criticism. Remember that “overreactions” are often the result of a long string of discriminations and your comment may simply have been the last straw.
Openness instead of overthinking. Ultimately, the ability to take criticism does not mean simply accepting every criticism - rather, it means to engage with it sincerely and with an open mind. Sometimes that may lead to the conclusion that you simply see things differently - as long as it's based on honest reflection and communication rather than a defensive reflex, that's okay too.
Supporting an error-friendly inclusive work culture structurally
What we should not forget, however: Dealing constructively with microaggressions and (unintentional) discrimination can only really work if the corporate culture supports it.
What can this error-friendly inclusive work culture look like?
Regular constructive feedback. Almost every company has feedback procedures these days - but they are often disconnected from day-to-day work and not very constructive. An annual feedback meeting is all well and good, but if it is embedded in strong hierarchies and non-transparent communication, perhaps even linked to salary negotiations, it often turns into self-promotion rather than actual reflection. Better: regular, shorter feedback sessions with standardized questions that take into account both successes and challenges. This leaves room to address even minor mistakes and come to understand them as learning moments that don’t have negative consequences. In the long term, this creates trust and security.
Celebrate mistakes. You can even go one step further and create space just for sharing mistakes. Be it “Fuck-up Friday” or a “What have we learned?” meeting: If all team members share mistakes and challenges, this can not only allay fears, but also promote a learning effect and strengthen team spirit.
Be a role model. Studies show very clearly that managers set the tone in a company. This is particularly true when it comes to accountability, i.e. the ability to stand by one's own actions - including mistakes - and take responsibility. Managers who are able to take criticism seriously and admit mistakes send out a strong signal to the rest of their team.
Request feedback. But beware a common stumbling block: Many managers are not aware that it can be difficult for their employees to express criticism, especially when it comes to more emotional, subjective issues. They see themselves as a person to whom employees can come with all their concerns - but don't realize that those employees often feel quite differently. It can help to explicitly request feedback, even anonymously if necessary, and to repeatedly show that it is valued and taken into consideration.
Create clarity. As already mentioned, there are few one-size-fits-all answers when it comes to discrimination and microaggressions. Nevertheless, it helps to provide employees with guidance: Be it a code of conduct that regulates interpersonal behavior, guidelines on inclusive language, handouts on discrimination... All of this provides certainty as to what is expected and ideally also what consequences are to be feared (or not to be feared). Conversely, it gives those affected a solid basis for addressing discrimination they have experienced and expressing their wishes for improvement.
Keep at it: error-friendliness takes time
Creating a work culture where it’s okay to make mistakes is a long-term project. Especially when rigid hierarchies, authoritarian leadership and non-transparent procedures have been in place for a long time, it takes time to establish the necessary trust. But every single person can contribute to making it easier for those affected by discrimination to speak out about their experiences and for those who are criticized to accept this criticism openly and sympathetically. The more successful this is, the more inclusive the corporate culture becomes - without even thinking about it.
If you would like to improve your work culture and need support, e.g. to revise your feedback processes or set up a diversity-sensitive code of conduct, we are happy to help. You can find more information here.
